A changing identity.

For many years my identity came from my personality; my friends & family knew me through my actions, my fun & my whit. My husband fell in love with a spontaneous young girl full of life. I was active, rebellious & free. but I've changed. Part of my identity now comes from being a wife & mother. A huge part. It instantly changed the moment I had my first born daughter. I became the housewife who was & still is so set on schedules & order. {My kids thrive on this after all, right?!} The mom who focused on her children far more than her relationship with god & my husband. Part of my identity is hidden in some crevice of earth, its buried in laundry, housework & motherhood. I don't want to stay buried, my kids need me to be full of life, smile & enjoy every moment right along with them, but mainly so does my husband.

We vacationed this weekend with two close friends, deep into the heart of their relationship; their dating & at that phase in their life where life is at ease. We also vacationed with my parents who are at a stage in their life where they are just living each day to the fullest; totally engulfed in their grandchildren & in each other. The love is so strong, its obvious! This deep love surrounding my husband & I seems so young & care-free. The way it was when we met & dated for years.

I've been told that the hardest days of a marriage our the days surrounded by raising young children. It's so easy to get focused on their needs & structured parenting is so important for them. I wouldn't say that our marriage is hurting in any way, shape or form. We love each other entirely, but its a love wrapped around whose changing the next diaper, whose night it is to put the kids to bed & whats the most effective way to discipline a toddler. Our marriage is a bond we will never break. But after this weekend I ask myself  if our marriage is being lived to the fullest? Our we putting our marriage first? We are the most important role models for our children & I want them to feel the love we have for one another because it truly is there.

I'm writing this post mainly for myself. I cannot speak for my husband; I only have control of myself. Our children our young, our journey is still so early on. The beautiful insignificant moments I have with my girls are such an intricate design that makes life worth living. I strive for these little moments of purity & happiness with my children. Yet, I lack the deep reality of what we are teaching them. What my own identity demonstrates to them. How my marriage above all is the base of all meaningful existence. My husband is my rock. We are the foundation of our family. Our love is much stronger & much deeper than we show.

So my identity has changed & maybe that's not all a bad thing. After all, my children are my world. I just want them to grow up feeling the love around them. I want to go on more vacations & relax about the little things. I want to hold hands more with my husband, kiss longer & have deeper conversation. I plan to laugh harder & not hold grudges for as long! That identity I had as a young school girl is still in their, I just choose to bury it in motherhood. It's no longer an excuse & that's a promise!